For years, I was the girl who desperately wanted to be in a relationship, but would never admit it. I would meet guys, and tell them right off the bat that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I realize now that this was my insecurity talking, but at the time, I thought that was what guys wanted to hear. I thought that if I played it cool for long enough, the guy would have to come around eventually, right?
Boy, was I wrong! I would spend months talking to the same guy waiting for the “what are we” talk, and when we finally got there, I’d get the good old “You’re a really great girl, but…” or my personal favorite, “ You’re just too good for me” Despite my telling these guys that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, I was shocked when they would stop talking to me or broke it off suddenly. I always had a really hard time getting over them, and would avoid crossing paths at all costs. Instead of taking time to heal, I would jump into my next fling, and would go through the process all over again.
After holding in my feelings for so long, the sweet, kind, fun, Lauren that these guys knew became unrecognizable. Crazy, bitter, and jealous Lauren would come out after a “breakup”, and I would look insane. I am sharing this post today because I know so many people that are still going through the cycle I just described. Although there is nothing wrong with wanting a fling, there is also nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, and as women, we need to stop being afraid of being upfront with our feelings.
Although this may seem odd, I sometimes like to think of the dating process like a job search. Like dating, while searching for a job, you look around and see what is available. You might follow the company’s’ social media, ask people who are familiar with the company what they are like, what they’ve heard, etc. If you like what you hear and see, then you apply and interview. In the dating world, if you like what you hear and see, you would set up a date or make a move.
You wouldn’t go into a job interview and tell the interviewer that you wanted an unpaid internship when you were looking for a full time job, so why would you tell a guy that you were looking for a fling when you could have the relationship that you actually want? Be upfront with your wants and needs, and don’t feel weird about it. If you’re struggling to figure out if they are interested in getting serious or not, don’t ask what they are looking for, confidently tell them what you want! If they can’t appreciate that you know what you want, they are not worth your time.
When waiting to hear back from a job, you would probably wait for a maximum of 3 weeks before you hear whether you got the job or not, and you would be totally comfortable calling the company for a follow up. After about a month of dating a guy there should be some sort of commitment made by both parties. I am not saying that you have to be boyfriend and girlfriend, or say that you love each other, but something along the lines of agreeing not to see other people, planning dates that are a little bit further in the future, or being shown affection in front of people who are important to him, will do. If there is not some form of commitment by then, you should “follow up” with your guy! A follow up is not a “what are we ”talk, let me make that clear! During the follow up, you are basically confirming that things are headed in the right direction, and that you both are working towards a relationship.
By following up after a month, so many feelings can be saved. Although it still will hurt finding out that a guy isn’t as invested in you, as you are in him after a month, it will hurt a lot less than finding out later down the road. If this does happen, remember that it wasn’t meant to be! Everything happens for a reason, and although you may have really liked the guy you were just with, you could be meeting your future husband tomorrow.
If the follow up goes in the other direction, however, you won’t have to worry about the future of your relationship and you can enjoy spending time with each other confidently. By getting your feelings and thoughts out early on, you are not holding in your emotions, and there won’t be tension in the relationship. Enjoy the process, and when it’s right, things will become official!
I understand that all relationships are different, but if you are looking for a relationship, and are sick of getting hurt, you might want to give some of these tips a try. Be confident, and continue to love yourself throughout the process. People say it far too often, but the best relationships happen when you least expect them to. If you enjoyed this kind of post, please give me feedback in the comments! Although I am in a happy relationship now, it has not always been that way! I have LOTS of experiences to share, just ask!